


Better Off

by frustrataed



Series: Better Off [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Lucifer Imagine, lucifer x reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-12 09:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19226053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frustrataed/pseuds/frustrataed
Summary: You didn't know what hurt more; Unrequited love or the flowers growing in your lungs?aka falling for the Devil sounded like a good idea until you realized he will never feel the same.





	1. Fear of the Petals

Feelings towards a person can never be predicted, let alone prevented. It’s an evil trap, an abyss from which there is no escape. Nobody can help or control their feelings towards someone, whether it’s pain or anger, love or hate, the outcome is always the same; they come out. Eventually, one way or another, the truth is being revealed or at least hinted… All people have their limits and when they step farther, they break, the walls they’ve been trying to build tumble down like a tower made of a deck of cards…

When it came to you, it was not your mind or heart that gave up, that betrayed you. It was your whole body.

The constant stomach pains went ignored at first, as you decided to focus on your job. Solving crime cases and helping people was your priority, you convinced yourself that things were going to be fine and only if the pain worsened would you pay the doctor a visit.

One night you vomited blood, an alarming sign of your health going downwards. Yet, you still ignored your body trying to warn you. You would still give everyone fake reassurance that you were doing great. However, your tired and dehydrated form gave out more than you thought.

And soon blood started bringing friends to the party; Tulips. You almost screamed when you vomited three petals that night, unable to believe these were coming out of you. You shook your head, you pinched your arm, you gave every stupid way possible a try in order to prove that all of this was just a messed up dream. But the same happened again, and again.

You tried distancing your mind from the situation, again attempted to keep you occupied with work. But it was hard, leaving at random times to go vomit petals. Dan started looking at you suspiciously, insisting that you were pale and exhausted. You would brush him off, you would brush everyone off, not wanting to draw any more attention to you.

But Maze was not going to stand there, without getting some explanation.

You took the day off, waking up in the morning and feeling like you couldn’t breathe. You sent Ella a text, asking if it was okay to drop from the case for a day and she was more than willing to cover for you.

_Make sure you rest, okay? You’ve been acting weird lately. Don’t worry, I got your back x_

You made yourself some tea, not wanting to eat anything at all. Not that if you did, it could go down. You slowly rubbed your neck, trying to inhale as much air as you could. What was going on? Maybe some minor case of Pneumonia along with a bouquet of tulips so that it’s more interesting? You weren’t exactly an expert, all you knew was that you felt weaker and weaker as the days went by and you needed to stop covering it up.

Maze’s way of suddenly appearing in your house stopped taking you by surprise a long time ago. Thus, when your tea was ready and you carefully lifted the cup with both hands, heading to the living room, you didn’t shake an inch when you saw her sat on your couch. She seemed pissed, not unusual when it came to others, but you were one of her best friends, she never looked at you like that. Like she wanted to beat the crap out of you. You knew she wouldn’t leave until you told her, you were a terrible liar anyway, that is why you’d learned to avoid it.

“What’s up with you?” She asked, looking for answers in your eyes. 

“It’s good to see you too, Maze…” You avoided her question, placing the cup down on the table, before joining her on the couch. You fiddled with your fingers, not coming up with a proper answer. Besides, you had no idea what was going on either.

“I’m waiting, you know?” Maze reminded and you nodded, finally meeting her eyes.

“Honestly, I don’t know. A few days ago I started having these severe stomach aches that wouldn’t go away even with pills. I thought it was some kind of food poisoning, until…” You hesitated, remembering the events of the past few days. Shivers ran down your spine at the thought of you choking on your own blood and…flowers.

“Until?” Maze pressed, moving closer to you, noticing what you were going to say disturbed and shook you.

“Until I started vomiting tulips. I mean, not the whole flower, just a few petals here and there. But I don’t know what’s going on, the more time goes by, the more petals come out. Something’s inside me, Maze, and as crazy it seems, it blocks my lungs from doing their job…”

Maze removed her hands from yours, furrowing her brows.

“So…” She started, collecting her thoughts.

“You’re basically saying that there’s a garden of tulips inside your lungs?”

“Uh, I don’t know, maybe…”

“And you’re puking petals because…?”

“I don’t know, Maze, that’s why I need to find out-” Your voice rose in annoyance, knowing that she probably didn’t believe a word you’d said.

“Hold on, no, no, I know what’s going on…”She said as she stood up. You mimicked her movements, hope flashing in your eyes.

“You do?”

“Sure…” She replied, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I think that you should arrange an appointment with Linda. All this work has gone into your head, you’ve pushed yourself to your limits, even Chloe said that.”

You angrily pushed her hand away. Of course, why would she believe you?

“Maze, I need to see a REAL doctor. I mean, not a therapist, an actual doctor for my body-”

“You need to stop putting others above yourself all the fucking time, y/n, look at you! You obviously haven’t slept in days and your body is abandoning you because YOU never stop caring about others! About Dan, about Chloe, Ella, me, Lucifer-”

“ _Don’t_ …Stop it, Maze.” You warned her, placing a hand on your chest. Your heart started beating fast as you felt a heavy weight on your chest.

“Stop? YOU need to stop y/n! You have to understand that sometimes being selfish can actually-” The demon didn’t manage to finish her sentence because all of a sudden, you started coughing. Your legs gave in and you fell on your knees, hands trying to support you as you coughed and coughed, feeling all energy evaporating in an instant.

Maze fell on her knees as well, pulling a few strands of hair away from your face. 

“Wh-What’s going on? Y/n, oh my-” 

And then she saw. 

Five big, red petals came out of your mouth and softly fell on the carpet. 

Your eyes met her panicked ones as you struggled to catch your breath.

“Believe me, now?” 


	2. Somewhere In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For how much longer could you get away with avoiding Lucifer?

“Hey, hey, Ella, what the hell-” You whispered in annoyance as she literally dragged you in your lab. There was nobody there, the perfect chance for her to finally get some answers.

“Everyone’s worried about you and even though you know it, you still act like everything’s totally fine, which, by the way? Huge mistake!” She said as she let go, folding her hands to her chest.

Great. Maybe deciding to return to work was not a good idea, after all. Sure, you were feeling worse than yesterday and sure, you wanted to get as away as possible from your workplace, but it was your job. If there was one thing that could help forget your… Issue, even for a minute, was that. Besides, what were you going to tell them? And even if you did explain, what would the point be anyway?

It couldn’t be helped, YOU couldn’t be helped.

“I’m sorry Ella, I wish I could tell you… I have to think of some things, first. Make some, uh, decisions, yeah, decisions, I guess… And then I’ll tell you. All of you, I promise.”

Actually, there was one decision you were called to make. A simple yet so complicated one. You decided to postpone it, though fully aware that there was not much time left for more procrastination.

Your thoughts were tangled and so was your heart, you didn’t want to let go of your feelings forever, no. You didn’t want to turn into a cold person when it came to him. No, even though your love was going to waste, you found yourself unable to let go.

But you were dying and that thought scared you. You were dying and there was nobody that could help but you. You were responsible for what was to happen.

The door behind you suddenly burst open, breaking your thoughts. A smiley Lucifer appeared with one of Dan’s beloved puddings in his hands.

“Good morning miss Lopez, y/n…”

You couldn’t stand seeing him. You’d been trying to avoid him all day and you believed you were actually doing great… Well, until now.

“I’m sorry, I gotta go, see you later Ella…” Your voice was low and kinda shaky as you tried to remain as calm as possible.

You moved quickly, walking past Lucifer and thinking that he would just let you go… But you knew him too damn well. He could always sense when there was something off, him and Maze making your life harder than it already was. Maybe it was your fault, but you never thought that completely letting your guard down with Lucifer and being so close to him could actually get you killed. At least, in that way.

And too bad you couldn’t do the same. Years of friendship and you were still unable to understand why he did what he did and said what he said sometimes. Thinking of Linda’s daily struggle to put up with him and his adventures seemed like a great feat.

Lucifer let the pudding on the desk and grabbed your arm as he slowly pulled you back. You let out a deep sigh, as you showed no resistance at all. He had you wrapped around his little finger, not only then, but always.

“What’s wrong?” He stared into your eyes, looking for any sign of emotion. Pain, sadness, anything. But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing, for the first time since he met you, he could not tell what your eyes were trying to say. There was definitely something deeper bothering you. And knowing that his little tricks never worked on you, he had to do it with words. Why were you so damn difficult to read, all of a sudden?

“Nothing’s wrong, Lucifer. I can’t even get sick, now?” You asked in annoyance, feeling your wrist burning under his touch. You had to get away from him, you had to as soon as possible. With him there your brain could not function properly and you were afraid you might accidentally share something you didn’t want to. That was your problem, not his. You were the one dealing with unnecessary emotions and unless you got rid of them, well…

“You’re sick? I was talking about you throwing weird glances at me from afar and avoiding me like the plague! And why didn’t you tell me you were sick? You should be home, rest-” Lucifer placed his other hand on your forehead, searching for any signs of temperature.

“I’m not a baby, Lucifer, and please let me go…”

You felt guilty for being so distant, but you needed to just this once. Your life was on the line and telling Lucifer the truth was definitely not an option. Why mess someone else’s life too? No, you wouldn’t ruin everything just because of some stupid tulips. Your problem, not his.

You sounded sad and exhausted. Lucifer softly freed your hand from his, frowning.

“Can we talk, please? In private?” He asked, then looking up at Ella who was already nodding.

“Of course, I have a lot of work to do anyway, not that I care about what you’ll guys discuss-” Ella popped up, grabbing a few papers from her desk before heading to the door.

“No, no, Ella, it’s okay, there's no need to…” You smiled at her weakly. If there was one person leaving, it was y/n.

“I have nothing to say to you, Lucifer.” You lied, biting the inside of your cheek. There were so many things you were dying to tell him but once again, you backed off.

You walked past them both, heading to the only place you’ve known for the past couple of days; the bathroom. But this time not just petals came out.


	3. That Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maze broke her promise.

Lucifer desperately needed some answers. He didn't know how he let himself get distracted like that. You were his best friend and one day you were okay, the other you didn't even want to talk to him. Okay, maybe it had been more than just two days. Working with Detective Decker had occupied his mind completely, especially those past couples of weeks. Mentally slapping himself for not paying attention to you and unable to recall any events that could be the cause of the change in your behavior, he decided to ask Maze.

Earlier that day, you had let both him and Ella hanging, fleeing the scene without saying another word. Ella told Lucifer everything she knew, that you'd been acting strange and Maze had brought you to work this morning because you weren't in a position to drive. So, if there was one person that definitely knew more, it must have been Maze.

When the sun went down and another case reached an end successfully, Lucifer spent no time staying at the department any longer. He went directly to LUX, where Maze was probably working at that time, ready to finally get his questions answered. He had sent you a couple of texts first, maybe you felt more confident sharing your inner world without having to look him in the eye. You never replied. 

Seeing Maze working at her usual spot behind the bar counter sparked some hope inside him as he walked closer, pushing past a few drunk women. She had to have some answers.

And even though Maze indeed had the answers, she promised she wouldn't say a word, her blood boiling when she heard the doctor's diagnosis that day with you. Unable to avoid her, you were forced to tell her why there were flowers growing inside you and who was the person you had gifted your heart to. Needless to say, she was furious, threatening to slit his throat without hesitation for what he had done to you.

But had he done anything at all? You helped her calm down, promising that you were seriously thinking of going through the procedure. However, until you were a hundred percent sure about your decision, you made her promise that she wouldn't say a word to anyone, especially Lucifer. At first, she refused, saying that Lucifer deserved to know because "He is involved! This is all his fucking fault, y/n!". But then she got along, agreeing to stay silent. For as long as she could hold her anger in, she made a mental note to herself.

Lucifer settled on an empty seat but Maze didn't acknowledge his presence. Instead, she kept pouring shots for the drunk man sitting next to him.

"Mazikeen, although It would be helpful spending a few minutes to discuss the importance of honesty, I'm afraid I don't have neither time nor patience for that...So, I'd like you to answer some questions of mine..."

Maze slammed her hand on the hard surface. If looks could kill, he would've died and come back to life a thousand times.

"Go ask her yourself, I'm not telling you anything."

Lucifer chuckled as he stole one of the man's drinks and gulped it down.

"Oh, easy there Maze looks like I hit a nerve. And you seem to know exactly what I was going to say... Y/n is my friend so stop acting like a child and tell me what happened to her!"

Maze shook her head, as she grabbed him by the collar, leaning close to him over the counter.

"That's the problem, Lucifer! You've ruined her just like that, by being her friend! And now she's dying because of your blind-!" She didn't mean to say that last sentence and as soon it got out, she immediately pulled back, sighing. She placed a hand on her forehead as she moved back and forth, in an attempt to calm her temper.

Lucifer blinked a few times, that being his only reaction to Maze's outburst and to what he had just heard.

His face formed a confused look as he stared at her panicked figure. She murmured some things he didn't quite catch.

"Y/n is dying?" He asked, hoping that he had heard wrong, that she was just lying to him, that he had misunderstood.

Maze met his worried eyes. She knew she was important to him, she was more important than anyone. She had always been there for him, for them, she was one of the first people the came to trust after their arrival on earth. She knew he cared and she knew he deserved to know. But it was not her choice to make.

"Get out of my sight before I chop and send your limbs to her."

She had answered his question with a single nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think, I'm trying to keep it slow 'cause something huge is coming hehe


	4. Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your thoughts traveled back to when you first met your two best pals.

The night breeze sent shivers down your spine but you kept walking at a steady pace. You had forgotten to put a jacket on so your bare arms were completely exposed to the weather. It was past midnight and you didn’t seem to be able to sleep. Smudged mascara was still resting under your eyes but that was the least of your concerns.

That night your heart was broken for the first time. When you were younger, you’d consider yourself lucky for not having any crushes even until high school. You knew that when you invested in someone you considered special, you invested everything, you would give your whole body and soul, deep devotion.

And that was exactly you did with your fiancé at the time. It was all new to you, being unable to go to sleep or eat, or get rid of the so-called butterflies because you were too caught up in your feelings for him. Feelings that were apparently reciprocated and mutual. Six months later and you found yourself engaged and living together in an apartment near your job. A newbie you were, the noob scientist your colleagues at the Police Department would call you. It didn’t bother you at all because you knew; Greatness comes from small beginnings. Plus, your soon-to-be husband promised to love and support you for as long as your lives lasted. He lied.

Drinking, let alone clubbing, had never been a thing of yours but at that moment it seemed like the best way of dealing with the events that took place earlier that night. You had left in a hurry, slamming the door of your apartment making sure that the words you said were honest and wouldn’t change. Ever. Your left cheek was still burning from the hardness of his palm. But you were glad it was over. How could you be so blind?

As you climbed down the stairs you allowed yourself to yourself cry. Tears for all the years you spent thinking he was the one, tears for being so naive and letting your guard down easily. As soon as the fresh air embraced your whole body, you calmed down, all pain deciding to rest in the pit of your stomach, in the tip of your tongue as a bitter taste of betrayal you’d taste for a long time.

You let your hair fall to your sides as you undid the ponytail you’d made a few hours ago, feeling the invisible rope around your forehead loosen up as well. Your feet dragged you somewhere you didn’t hang out, a place where nobody knew you, a place you could be whoever you wanted. Someone else, not the fiancé that had been cheated on, not the “why is she even here?” forensic scientist.

You could just be y/n. Without any roles to play, simply you, enjoying a couple of drinks at the newest club in L.A. It had opened its doors just a few weeks ago, that was why you thought it wouldn’t be packed. Well, you were clearly wrong. It stopped being a good idea as soon as you stepped in but looking back, you realized that you wouldn’t trade that decision of yours for anything in the world.

You found a vacant seat at the bar, thinking that was the best place to settle. Besides, you didn’t dance, or plan on hooking up with anyone. You just needed a Martini. Or two. Maybe three. Maybe a couple of shots.

The bartender threw you a pitiful glare as she poured you another glass.

“You know you’re paying for all these, right?" 

You shrugged your shoulders, before bringing the glass to your lips.

"Do I look like I _care_?”

“Nope, not at all…”

The bartender shook her head as she focused her attention elsewhere, it was going to be along night just like any other. She liked her job very much, you could tell.

“Careful, that pout of yours might as well reach the floor…”

You didn’t know if you’d heard right, or if those words came from the man who had just sat next to you on the bar. You blinked a few times as you looked to your right where he had settled, in all his glory. He was handsome, oh so handsome, and to your surprise, his eyes were already on yours when you looked.

The man smiled widely but you rolled your eyes, focusing back on your drink. Yes, he had a killer smile but you weren’t in the mood for whatever he had in mind. You were there to mourn for all those years of your relationship being a total waste.

“Why the long face? Care to share your story with someone who’s interested?”

You raised an eyebrow, putting down your glass. He sounded sincere and emitted an aura you couldn’t quite explain. He seemed like he wanted nothing more than to hear what you had to say. And you somehow trusted him, normally you weren’t like this, maybe it was him to blame. Him and his enchanting self.

“You wouldn’t be able to help me, anyway, so there’s no point…” You sighed, looking up at the Bartender who immediately knew what you wanted. She shook her head in annoyance, obligated to pour you another drink.

“I beg to differ, darling. I’m quite good at doing favors, actually…” The man spoke, catching your interest.

“Oh, you are?” You asked, irony not so well hidden under your voice. You didn’t know if he was trying to hit on you but in any case, he was doing terrible.

“You can always see for yourself. All you have to do is ask…” He offered, raising his hands.

Your mind was screaming that there was a sexual implication behind his words you were too dizzy to follow but then the Bartender leaned close to you on the counter, after passing the man a glass filled with “the usual”.

“He’s right. We can beat him up together if you want, right Lucifer?” She smirked, patting your shoulder.

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. What did she know? You hadn’t told her anything about him… How did she…

Your mouth formed a small “oh” as you saw your phone resting on the counter. Right. You’d left it there. And apparently, your fiancé had sent you around twenty apology texts that the Bartender found too interesting not to check. You were too busy drinking and looking around that you had noticed neither your screen light up nor the woman actually turning your phone upside down so that she could see.

You looked at her in disbelief as you took your phone in your hand.

“You read my messages?”

The woman gave you an innocent smile. You felt like throwing up. There you were, surrounded by people you didn’t know, with loud music piercing your eyes and a creepy bartender violating your privacy. That was all your fault. You’d let yourself slip and now you felt sick.

“Oh come on, don’t look at me like that! You’ve been sitting here for hours like a corpse. I wanted to know why…”

“Well, curiosity killed the fucking cat…”

“Maze.”

“Right, _Maze_.” You said, standing up. Enough was enough. You weren’t like this but this woman was getting on your nerves real good.

“Glad I made your night, then, Maze.”

“A pathetic human you are, that will seriously get you _killed_ one day. And believe me, I am no _cat_.”

“I think that’s enough, Mazikeen.” The man next to you interrupted, as he mimicked your movements. He stood up, offering his hand for you to shake. Maze huffed in annoyance as she left, murmuring something inaudible.

“Please excuse my…Friend’s attitude over there, she is actually pretty fun to hang out with once you get to know her.”

“I doubt that…” You shoved your phone in your pocket, not wanting to deal with your fiancé’s empty apologies. You desperately needed some fresh air.

The man must have sensed just that so he blocked your way, offering his hand for you to shake.

“I’m afraid I didn’t introduce myself properly… Lucifer Morningstar.”

You choked a laugh, returning the handshake, nonetheless. What a clown. Then it hit you. Lucifer Morningstar? The owner of the club? The man who does favors, of course! That would explain the sneaky and flirty attitude, the expensive suit he was wearing, his dazzling eyes…

You felt your face heat up at the sudden realization. Lucifer Morningstar sat next to you and actually tried to start a conversation with you and you acted like a brat by ignoring him and almost picking a fight with his bartender. Nice. No, it was great.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I had no idea you were Lucifer Morningstar… If I’d known-”

“Nothing would have changed.”

“No!” You shouted in defense, biting your lip.

“I would have been nicer…Uh, were you serious about that favor?”

“I am a man of my word.” He reassured you, placing a kiss on the top of your hand.

God, you were too drunk for this. But you were also angry, your thoughts circulated around the word revenge. Indeed, you’ve been told that he did what he promised. So, why not let him give you a helping hand?

“Then I could use a favor, Mister Morningstar…”

“Oh, Please, what am I, a grandpa? Just call me Lucifer.” He smiled as he led the way out of the club. You really needed that fresh air and he knew that as well.

“So, first of all, may I have your name?” He said when you were both out at the side of the road.

“I’m y/n l/n. I wish we’d met…Under less weird, let’s say, circumstances.” You let out an awkward laugh. Lucifer stepped closer to you, his eyes feeling like daggers. It was the first time you felt like someone was creeping into your soul, feeling lost, having no control of what you were gonna say, whatsoever.

“And tell me y/n, what can I help you with? What is it that you truly desire?”


	5. Smoke Signals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some learned the truth, others kinda.

No running away anymore. No trying to avoid your friends and Lucifer, no ignoring the symptoms of the disease, no. You were done with all these. The decision had been made and even though you knew it would cost a lot, you realized that this way, both you and Lucifer would be okay. Not as you used to, but okay.

Your decision wouldn't affect him at all. At least physically. It was not him that was gonna change, after all, it was you. You were aware that going back to what you had would never be possible once you had the surgery. And even though just the thought of it hurt you deeply now, you knew it wouldn't after the procedure. You would finally be okay.

You wouldn't feel your heart racing whenever he was close to you, you wouldn't wanna cry every time you saw him and Chloe being close and laughing at things you could never understand. You wouldn't wish it was you he looked at with so much adoration. Everything would stop. Since you didn't manage to do it yourself, the doctors would.

Then Lucifer could do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted because you just wouldn't care. You wouldn't be able to care. You weren't sure Lucifer's reaction to all that, you suddenly change. And even though, yes, it was none of his business, whether you would go through the procedure or not, you still cared. Cared for what he'd think of you afterward.

Would he be disappointed? Sad? Or simply happy because he never wanted to do anything with you in the first place?

You wanted to tell him, but how could you? You never managed to tell him how you truly felt because you were afraid of ruining your friendship. Time went by and your feelings were bottled up and sealed in the depths of your heart. You believe you had it under control, you had to work on yourself to make sure you didn't screw up your relationship with Lucifer. And you focusing on your job and less on him seemed to work until tulips started bursting out.

And those damn tulips were the reason everything got ruined and the plan of doing the surgery without anyone but Maze knowing went straight downhill.

"Tell me what's going on, and don't you dare lie to me again!"

Ella had seen you vomiting in the bathroom just a few minutes ago. Hearing weird noises, she thought someone was choking, so without thinking about it too much, she burst in, only to see you pulling a green branch out of your mouth, blood on your shirt and a bunch of red petals on the sink.

No matter how hard you tried to make her lower his voice, you failed miserably. She was furious. Furious and disappointed because after working together for so long, she thought you trusted her enough to tell her everything. And you did, you did trust Ella, she was an amazing and supporting friend. All you wanted was to not get everyone else involved. This had to do with you and you only.

After you managed to catch your breath or whatever had remained from your breath - your lungs were struggling to provide you with oxygen at that point - you grabbed her shoulders and shook her in an attempt to calm her down.

"Can you, please, stop shouting? I- I'll explain, just please..." You begged, worry evident in your eyes.

Ella nodded as she removed your hands from her. She let out a sigh, nodding again. She was ready. 

"Okay, alright. Tell me then..."

You rubbed your forehead, in hopes of the dizziness fading away but instead, it came back worse. You didn't have much time left, your body had started sending emergency signals. Your appointment was in a few hours, you silently prayed to stay alive until then.

"Listen, I don't know how to explain this-"

"With _words_." She interrupted you, her voice cold and harsh. You hated seeing her like this. But she had to understand the reasons why you hid your situation from her.

"Ella, I never wanted to hurt you-"

"But you did. Now, tell me."

You bit the inside of your cheek, gathering all strength in you. That was the first time you were openly talking about your condition. You knew Ella would believe you because she'd seen just enough. You found it hard to open your mouth and start talking. But you eventually did, unable to stand her angry eyes piercing yours. So, you avoided them, starting to clean up the mess on the sink as you spoke.

"Hanahaki disease, it's called. Apparently happens when the person you li-love, uh, doesn't feel the same. It causes flowers growing in your lungs until you suffocate and die. You puke some along the way, you know, to make it more interesting..." You felt your knees grow weak. You wanted to give in and let yourself fall on the floor, just lay there, lay until you died.

"Wait, death?"

"Yeah. I mean there is a way to prevent it but..." You hesitated, the lump stuck in your throat not making things easier for you, either.

"But what?" Ella's expression had completely changed. All signs of anger had vanished, only to be replaced with ones of worry. She was dead worried, you could tell.

"You remove the flowers through surgery but the feelings towards that person never come back. They can never be friends, either."

Ella opened her mouth to speak but nothing managed to come out, just chopped words that she choked. Then, she tried again, in vain. You took her hand in yours, smiling weakly.

"I'll be fine, I won't die, Ella. After all... This is done, I'll come back to work better than ever, okay?" You tried to reassure her in a confident tone. Ella frowned.

"But... What about you and Lucifer?"

That one caught you by surprise. You had never told anyone about your feelings for Lucifer, not a single soul. Maze was the first one that officially found out when you went to the doctor. And there was no possible way she'd tell Ella anything about that matter.

Your co-worker must have noticed the panic and confusion washing over your exhausted form so she finally smiled back, elbowing you playfully.

"Hey, you don't have to hide from me. Pretty much everyone knows, anyway. I mean, it's so obvious, only Lucifer is- "

"Lucifer doesn't feel the same, Ella. I'm just a close friend to him, nothing more. That's why I'm suffering from this..."

"Are you sure? Cause I've seen the way he-"

"Ella, stop. Don't give me false hope, okay? I've made my decision."

You ended your conversation about the matter there, Ella pretending to be sewing her lips with her fingers. She wouldn't say anything unless necessary.

You both tried to clean the blood stains on your shirt but they had dried long ago.

"Let's go to the lab, I may have something there that will help..."  Ella said, grabbing your hand.

And you actually started to believe you'd make it through the day without stumbling upon the Devil. You should have known better. You worked in the same damn place with the same damn people, it was impossible.

"I'm sorry, Miss Lopez, I've been looking for y/n all night and day, and there are a few things we need to discuss, so If you'll excuse us..." He smiled widely at her as he took your hand away from Ella's, pulling you in the lab to finally find some privacy.

Ella mouthed a panicked "I'm sorry" as you disappeared from the corner. You told yourself you'd stop running away from the truth but now that it was actually happening and Lucifer would demand some answers, you weren't ready at all. You'd just told Ella and you felt like all your energy for the day was spent on her. How were you gonna deal with the devil himself, with the main cause of the problem?

As soon as you were in, Lucifer let you go to make sure the door was closed, not wanting anyone interrupting the interrogation. From the way he looked at Ella, he knew she wouldn't let anyone get in, anyway. Behind that precious smile of his, there was anger.

"You answered none of my calls, none of my messages, I came to your house last night but you weren't there, and today I find you here as any other day, what am I supposed to think?

"That I slept on a bench and my phone was on mute?"

"What? No! That you're in danger, that you're d-"

"Dead?" You finished the word for him, the weight of the word not being difficult for you to lift. The way it left your mouth, it was as if you'd been there as if you knew exactly what it meant. Even though you decided to live, you still knew that you were closer to death than any other now.

"Yeah, dead. Maze told me that you were dying and I tried to find you! But you're here, all of you, with all your pieces together with...Blood on your shirt? What is this, what happened?"

You stepped back, afraid of being too close to him. You were already feeling like being choked, well technically you were, imagine if he just entered your personal space. Which eventually he did, as you found a dead end, bumping on the desk behind you. Lucifer's focus was on the blood of your shirt as he came closer. He felt the hem of your shirt.

"I asked you a question."

You understood his worry, you really did. But he didn't have to know. He didn't have to know how selfish you were, how you were going to ruin everything you had. You thought it would be better to hurt him with your words afterward rather than your death of the potential revelation of your true feelings. He and Chloe had quite the chemistry, how could anyone be so blind so as to doubt that? He loved working with her, she enjoyed having him around. The flirty comments, the heavy looks... There was something more. Lucifer Morningstar had feelings for his partner, Chloe Decker. Lucifer Morningstar had no feelings for his best friend, y/n l/n.

"Lucifer, hey..." You slowly lifted his chin so as for him to finally look at you.

"Remember when I told you that I'll always be by your side, no matter what? I meant it. I will not let myself die. I'll be here for you, but... But as a co-worker, okay? As a colleague, from now on. You can always come to me whenever there's something a forensic scientist can handle. I'll always be more than glad to help..."

Lucifer shook his head in confusion. What were you saying?

"I don't understand, If you're doing this because I've been spending time with the Detective, I'm sorry-"

" _No_ , Lucifer. I'm doing this as a favor-"

You were hurting him. Your words didn't make sense to him, you were hurting him and on purpose, he was sure. You couldn't hurt him physically so you did your best to do so emotionally. What had he done? Why were you pushing him away?

Lucifer slammed his hand on the desk, unable to stay calm. You flinched.

"A favor? A bloody _favor_! What's exactly the favor, y/n? Losing the best thing that has ever happened to me? Losing you? I don't want your damn favor, I never asked for one!"

You were crying at this point, not that you noticed, just cold tears running down your cheeks, tears for all you were trying to do was save whatever you could.

"Don't you dare say things you don't mean, Lucifer!" You shouted back and as soon as the words left your lips, you realized your mistake. 

You'd never been scared of the red color of his eyes, it wasn't the first time you'd seen it. It usually happened when he was driven on edge but now that you knew you were the reason for it, you had every reason to be scared.

"I. _Never_. Lie." 

You nodded, lifting one hand to softly caress his cheek. He needed to calm down, you both did.

"I know, and I'm sorry. Lucifer, you're nothing like everyone says. You're better, way better. And I'm so damn proud of you. You help people more than I do and sometimes in ways you can't see. Don't ever change, cause if you do, we both know that it won't be you..."

You brought your face close to his as you placed on soft kiss on his cheek. You patted his chest before slightly pushing him away. He stood there frozen, his face now softened but unreadable. You took the chance to leave. And he didn't do anything to stop you. He didn't follow you, either.

You quickly walked out of the lab, out of the Department... You wanted to cry alone. Cry for your mind was a tangle of thoughts. Cry as much as you could.

Because you'd eventually have to stop.

You had an operation in a few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...


	6. See You Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think he'd actually come, but there he stood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking till the end! You're heroes for bearing my messy writing! MERCI <3

Silence filled the waiting room. There weren't many people on the line, an elderly woman, a man with his left eye patched and last but not least, you. There was no reason to talk, each and every one of them occupied by their own thoughts. The elderly woman was soon helped into the doctor's office, sighing a few times as she struggled to walk.

Your hand was tightly holding Maze's, scared to let go. Scared to be alone. You needed someone to be there for you, to tell you that what you were doing was right. Your eyes were glued to the pale white, marble floor as you waited. Waited to talk to the doctor and then do it. Let them take the damn tulips, to rip them out of your lungs, along with your feelings that had tortured you for a long time.

"Are you okay?" Maze asked, noticing how lost you looked. She knew the question was stupid, of course, you weren't okay, you weren't close to being okay. You were letting go of the man who believed in you and helped you more than anyone. You were letting go of your best friend and the man you loved. It was far from being easy. And Maze knew that you were doing the whole thing half-heartedly. You didn't want to let go. But what if Lucifer had, first?

"I will be..." You whispered, more for yourself to hear rather than Maze. Everything would eventually be alright. No more dangerous feelings, you believed you would actually be able to support Chloe and Lucifer's relationship. You would return back to your old self, back to when you could tease Lucifer freely, without your heart threatening to burst out of your chest. Back to when you would hug him without wanting to kiss him. Things would go back to as they were a few years ago, well, almost. Aware of the impact the surgery would have on you, you still convinced yourself that it wouldn't be as bad as they said. You and Lucifer had shared so many memories together, you were friends, how could all of this go away just because of a simple procedure? Right?

You remembered the favor you'd asked Lucifer the night you met. It wasn't anything special, you just felt so suppressed by your fiancé and his obsession to apologize, you wanted to make sure he never bothered you again. You didn't want to see his face and that didn't necessarily mean Lucifer killing him or something. He had made that proposition and despite your tipsy state and anger, you'd still refused. He didn't deserve to die, he was just an asshole.

You just had asked for a little scare. When you had that in mind, it surely didn't include the man you'd met an hour ago gritting his teeth and changing the color of his eyes to send your ex-fiancé as far as possible, but hey, it'd worked.

Lucifer being the Devil didn't hit you as hard as you thought. Maybe because he was nothing like everyone expect the Devil to be. He was a fun guy to hang out with and most of all, he was a good man. He hadn't come to earth to unleash evil and death, even though you knew he was more than capable of doing that.

Lucifer wasn't cautious when it came to revealing himself back then, he didn't exactly know how people would react. Sure, he'd sent a few people away, your fiancé being on of them. You'd advised him to not be so confident and blunt when he'd say he's the Devil, it was kind of hard to believe. Besides, there was no point in doing so, anyway, he'd come to take time off Hell, people of L.A. had other interests, definitely not caring about the Devil being on Earth.

"You're next..." Maze's voice broke your thoughts and you nodded.

You squeezed her hand, smiling for a split second. You were so lucky you had her there. She'd stood by your side more than anyone, more than Lucifer had, especially the past few weeks. And you were forever thankful for her. Things were never ideal between you too, shit happens between friendships. You'd fought so many times you'd both lost count. But you'd always make up, you couldn't stay angry at her for too long and neither could she. Maze had changed a lot since she came on earth, her heart had softened, well, when it came to certain humans. You were glad you'd been there to watch her learn the world better and serve justice sometimes.

"Thank you, Maze. For everything." For being the weirdest friend in the world, in a good way, you wanted to add, but you decided otherwise.

"No, no, miss. Don't start this shit with me, especially right now..."

You drowned in your seat, sealing your lips shut. The more time went by, the more you regretted it. Maybe you should have just stayed home and wait for death to knock your door. Maybe you shouldn't have said anything to anyone. Maybe you should have just locked yourself home for a couple of days, until you let your last breath on your couch, letting the doctors find out the cause of your death. "A love that kills..." They'd say to your friends and family. A love that kills.

When it was finally your turn, Maze helped your weak body stand up. You were breathing heavier than usual by then, the oxygen entering your lungs limited. You imagined your organs enveloped by the strong branches of one of your favorite flowers. You'd never imagined that flowers as beautiful and harmless as tulips could actually prove to be deadly.

"I don't have much time, do I?" You asked your doctor once you and Maze sat on the chairs opposite his desk.

"I'm afraid not, dear. But since you've decided to do the surgery, you don't have to worry. Once you sign these papers, we'll immediately get you ready for the procedure. You will not feel a thing if that's what you're worried about. You'll be given the appropriate medicine..."

You would not feel a thing. Ever again. Like a magic trick, it sounded, walking in with a heart full of love waiting to be used, walking out with an empty heart, a heart that will no longer feel. No longer remember.

You took your time signing the papers, finding yourself unable to lift the pen. You reminded yourself it was for the best, Maze whispered that in your ear as she rubbed your back, trying to give you strength. And you finally did put your signature down, there was nothing that could be done to stop what was going to happen. You wanted the pain to stop. Both physically and emotionally. You promised that would be the first and only selfish thing you'd do. You promised you'd live long enough to make up for it.

With tears in your eyes, you let yourself get carried away. Everything was moving slowly now, the nurses carefully lifting you up, you coughing, again and again, your doctor smiling at you weakly as Maze closed the door behind you.

"I want to be there, what don't you fucking understand? She's my friend and I'm not letting her in there alone!"

You softly pulled away from the grasp of the nurses, showing them you could stand. You asked for just five minutes of privacy and then you'd let them get you ready. The corridor was dead empty that is why they didn't kick Maze immediately out for raising her voice. They were doing both of you a favor. They moved a few feet away, discussing about another patient, giving you enough time to talk Maze out of it.

"Mazikeen..."

"Don't you dare  _Mazikeen_  me, y/n! I said I'm coming in and it is what it is!"

You let out a weak laugh, opening your arms to welcome her in. She immediately brought her around you, resting her chin on your neck.

"Sometimes we gotta do things alone, Maze, you know that more than I do. I'll be asleep, anyway. Once it's over and I'm awake, you're more than welcome to stay as long as you want. But just this once, I want to be alone. Please..." 

Maze pulled back. She rubbed your right arm, nodding. Just this once, she noted to herself, just this fucking once, y/n l/n.

"Alright... I'll wait here, wondering how you're doing, annoying the staff, maybe stab one or two if they don't tell me-"

"That's so Maze of you..." You joked, taking a step back.

"See you in a few?"

"See you in a few."

And you wished that to be the end of your miserable story. You wished the author would stop torturing you, would stop putting thoughts and doubts in your head. But there was one thing that still needed to be done. A window was open, a window that needed to be closed.

You heard someone shout your name from afar. You thought things couldn't get worse but here you were, having to endure and face the worst situation of all.

You saw him, running like he was being chased by a pack of wolves. And when he abruptly stopped right in front of you, you wished Maze would intervene and push him way, punch him if necessary. She just stood there, her eyes guilty.

"Don't do it, y/n, Ella told me everything, please, don't do it..."

You didn't dare to look up at his face once. Just his voice revealed the pain and desperation his soul carried. You knew that if you looked up, all your protection walls would tumble down in the blink of an eye. And you'd die, you'd die because you weren't strong enough to lift the weight of your decision on your shoulders.

Lucifer tried to touch your small hand but you pulled away as if hit by lightning.

"I've made my choice." Your voice was low but steady. You were looking for an escape. You were being disassembled, peace by peace, just his presence enough to make your head spin.

He shouldn't be there. He shouldn't be saying those things, he shouldn't have the right to violate and vandalize your heart like that.

"You owe me a favor, remember? I told myself that I'd never ask one from you because having you here with me is just enough-"

" _Stop._ " You demanded, your lips quivering. Why? Why was he doing this?

"Please, y/n, that the favor I want, don't do it... I..."

You gathered each and every drain of strength left in you. You were gonna need it. He was using the favor thing against you, knowing that you were dying and your lungs were rotting.

"Look at me..." He said and without hesitating, you did.

"I love you."

There it was. What you'd been wanting to hear for years, what you'd been thinking of for countless nights. There it was, served to you in a golden plate. You'd give everything to hear those three little words leave his lips. Your hopes and dreams had now flesh, becoming your reality.

A gut-punching reality.

"I'm being selfish, I know. But I can't imagine myself without you, y/n, you've stood for me like nobody else ever will... You're my best friend, I never had a best friend, you can't do this, not after everything we've been through, I'm sure there's another way we can fix this..."

He loved you. And you believed him. But he would never love you the way he loved Chloe. And at the end of the day, it was okay. Love is the sweetest feeling, love should be honest and pure and nobody should be banned from loving. And you understood. You understood it pretty well. Who were you to tell him who he should love? 

"I'm sorry, Lucifer. This is the only way... I wish could control it, I wish I could make it stop myself, I wish I never fell in love with you..." You wiped a few tears away from your eyes. You really did wish there was another way to make things right. Unfortunately, you had to pay the price for a love that didn't belong anywhere in this world.

"Y/n, no-"

"Stop, Lucifer. We both know you'll never see me this way, and it's fine, I promise. I just...I don't wanna die, you know? I love you, God knows how much I do, but I can't die for you Lucifer. Not like this, not like a heart-broken schoolgirl. I'd rather die trying to protect you..."

"I never asked you to die for me! I don't want you to die, dammit, I want you to stay here with me, with us! We can work something out, maybe Amanadeil can do something useful for a change! I'm sure my Father is behind all this, bloody b-"

You shook your head, letting out a bitter laugh. God had no place in this, you were sure. 

"If you do this, we'll never be the same..." He pleaded one last time, but noticing the unchanging expression on your face, he knew there was nothing he could do. He couldn't lie to anyone, let alone you. He couldn't give you false hope, you still wouldn't be healed. Only true feelings could resolve problems. The feelings you were asking for were not there. And you both knew that.

"Then so be it..." 

Giving him and Maze one last look, you turned around, coughing weakly as you made your way towards the nurses. You were ready.

"What did I do?"Lucifer said under his breath, turning to face Maze. She walked her way towards him, stopping right beside him. They both watched you as you were carried away further into the corridor until you disappeared into one of the rooms.

It was all over.

"She told me to give you this, in case she didn't see you before she got the flowers removed..." Maze pulled a folded paper out of her back pocket, handing it to him.

"I'm sorry things turned out this way, Lucifer. I really am. We didn't do anything to deserve her in the first place."

"No, no, we didn't..." He took the small paper in his hands. He read the letter you'd left for him as he made his way out of the clinic, hands trembling.

_Hey Lucifer,_

_I know you'll be angry and bitter about it in the beginning but then you'll get used to it, I promise. You'll realize you can do so much better without me around. I may never get to say it again, so I'll say it now; Thank you. Looking back, I understand why I love you so much. You're a good man, I've told you over and over again. Hopefully, you believe it too at some point. Thank you for always bringing me ice-cream whenever I have a sore throat. Thank you for turning my working papers into paper planes. Thank you for annoying Dan for me, thank you for messing my hair whenever I get on your nerves. Thank you for saving the world. It's been getting better with you around, believe me. I'll miss you, I'll never say or tell you this, but I'm sure a part of me always will. Never lose that beautiful smile of yours, I'll be watching you._

_See you soon,_

_Y/N_

Feelings towards a person can never be predicted, let alone prevented. It’s an evil trap, an abyss from which there is no escape. Nobody can help or control their feelings towards someone, whether it’s pain or anger, love or hate, the outcome is always the same; they come out. Eventually, one way or another, the truth is being revealed. All people have their limits and when they step farther, they break, the walls they’ve been trying to build tumble down like a tower made of a deck of cards… _  
_

Sometimes you just gotta pick up the cards and start building the tower again. Taught that's how life works, too...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing this series:
> 
> Better Off- Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler  
> Impossible Year-Panic! At The Disco  
> Hesitate-The Jonas Brothers  
> I Need Somebody-Day6  
> The Good Side-Troye Sivan  
> Motion Sickness-Phoebe Bridgers


End file.
